A New Kinda Proposal

So today I went out for visiting again, to my dad’s colleagues’ houses. The last house was a humble one in the heart of Sengkang. It was quite a pain in the head for my dad to find his way there cause the roads were quite confusing and all.

I really like the concept– the lift connected the carpark directly to the different levels. No, it wasn’t a condo we were at but it was a HDB flat. The layout of the different units were like those at my previous home and they were spaced out evenly. Despite being in a 4 room flat, it was quite spacious (well, since it’s an old HDB flat after all). The view from every window was stupendous; one had the view of the main road and another to the opposite flat.

Me being me, I ventured out of the house to look at what that level had for me to see. Maybe it was just me but I was really awed by the whole structural design of these flats. If I had more time to spare, I would’ve went to the highest level to get a better idea of how the blocks were arranged.

Adults’ conversations are always interesting, especially if it’s about their life story. What caught my attention the most was when the owner’s wife said “Oh he proposed to me with this HDB flat’s plan”. I gotta agree that I’d do the same if I were in her position; there were a lot of facilities and amenities there– a 24/7 supermarket, a school, a swimming pool, kopitiam– all in less than 10min walk away.

Gonna back track a lil, but this was one of the topics of discussion in last week’s HML lesson.

“People in the past, before they get married or even attached, they look out for these things in their partner:

  1. whether they are committed to carry out their prayers 5 times a day
  2. humble
  3. honest

Whereas society now adays go for looks– the outside more than what’s inside them.”

That was what Cikgu Zainal said and sadly I had to agree with him. Everybody longs after the perks of a relationship, the affection, the companionship, but really, hardly anyone is willing to deal with the commitment that entails in being in one. Everything is just so god damn complicated. No one goes on proper “dates” anymore, everybody just wants to “hangout”.

We live in a world where everybody is afraid to feel anything genuine, me included. Everything is calculated to appear thoughtless, and it’s as if everyone’s participating in this game, and if you mess up you’re out. We can like each other, chill for a while, have fun, mess around and one day everything just dissociates, disperses and all that’s left is recollections of insignificant events ruminating in your mind. Nowadays, apathy is more important than honesty, where we’re all trying to manipulate each other to our whims and fancies, and when we’re sated, when we’re satisfied, you just move on to the next target.

I’m tired of feeling this desolation, this emptiness, it feels like even when I try my hardest to be as decent a person as I can, nothing ever works out. And once you slip, once you mess up, nasty rumours will spread around like wildfire, and perpetuate on and on. Even if you don’t deserve it, even if you genuinely gave it your all. I’m tired of seeming like the asshole and existing in this society of unanswered texts and cryptic social media posts.

If it’s so hard to grasp something meaningful and genuine then I rather wait and focus on myself for the moment. And not to seem like a hypocrite, because I am guilty of some pretty messed up actions but when it comes down to it we’re all humans trying to understand each other in this messy dating world so I just wish for all this superficial relationships to come to an end.

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