A Never Ending Battle

I actually find myself quite fortunate– Though I don’t go for tuition, I have the help of different connections to tackle the many subjects which I take in school. Despite most of them being mainly alumni and also my teachers, I’m really thankful for them who’ve spent their time teaching and making sure I’ve understood whatever I’ve asked or they’ve taught. Reaching school as early as 7 and even staying back way till past 6 just to help me.

However, there’ll always be times when I fall victim to myself. Yes, literally. Part of me would be wrecking my brains out just to get the gist of what’s going on whereas the other just gives up. The end result will never be pretty; it’s either I break down, get super pissed or just don’t have the mood to carry on doing anything. People tell me it’s okay to feel that way but is it really okay? I mean, it’ll come at the most random of times and can get triggered by even a messy desk (be it mine or my tablemate’s). There’s been way too many times where I just blank out during lessons and nothing can be absorbed. The worst part– it can go for as long as two weeks! Just imagine the pain trying of recalling and try to catch up on everything that I’ve missed in all 8 different subjects.

“You don’t have tuition? Wow, isn’t that amazing?” that’s one of the common statements that I usually receive for years. Well, I’ve never really felt like I’m at cloud nine with this ‘privilege’ of mine– all you see are mainly my failures. A failed test? Suck it up, and carry on with life. A failed assignment? Suck it up and carry on with life. At the end of the day, there’s nothing much I can do with poor marks. I mean what’s there that I can do? Even though I fight for better grades, sulk about it etc, I’d eventually need to pick myself up and study even harder, and sometimes smarter to get to the intended end goal. Those oh-so-sweet moments really are the ones that I yearn for. Knowing that those numbers in red on the paper are purely the fruit of your own labour is really satisfying and brings a huge sense of achievement within me.

It’ll be a lie if I said that I’ve never faced problems trying to juggle between school work, home work, house chores, friends and family. It’s a constant struggle trying to reach a consensus with everyone; it’s really all give and take. To be frank, NPCC’s side is the most relaxed one out of so many things. Is it cause of my current position? Is it cause of the teachers? Or is it just cause of the nature of this particular CCA? I’ll never know.

And then, of course, there’re times when I’m really unsure of my decisions and intended course of action. I’m not afraid of failure, I’m afraid of other losing faith in me.

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